Being : ‘Guilty’

Guilt is heavy. The feeling of guilt can change the course of a person’s life. Guilt is the realization of mistakes which brings several other factors in play such as feeling sorry, trying to correct the mistakes, to repair the damage done, to make peace with the ones who were made to suffer, to clarify our actions and to make promises that the similar mistake won’t happen in future. But, all these factors are worth an effort only if the feeling of guilt arises from within and is not forced externally.

I see that people get hurt because of me and they happen to be the people I love the most. But that is just the way I am. I pretended that I will never hurt them, that was my mistake. I should have made everything clear from the beginning. I should have explained myself the way I am. I should have told that I grow many roses but there are many thorns as well. They shouldn’t have been deceived by the roses. I should have informed that I hurt very much and I am destructive. It would have been an easier choice for them if I had been open about who I am.

I feel guilty because I created a false image and I wanted to keep that false image always high on the pedestal. Why? Because I did not know how to accept my own being. If I knew and I’d have clearly expressed and explained myself, it would have done miracles. Those who love me would have loved me more because sincerity creates more love. If I’d hurt them, they’d know that I told them that I will hurt, and I wouldn’t feel any repentance because that’s just the way I am.

I didn’t realize the power of being open, being clear. I was tense, always. I was always trying to keep everything balanced. I thought I had the power to balance situations, but it wasn’t only in my power to balance situations, it was equally in everyone’s power who were in the situation with me. I was not the power in the balance, I was the tension. Power was there but it wasn’t mine, it was simply an unknown power. I was the knot.

Few weeks ago, I realized it. I untied the knot and magic happened. First of all, I cried, a lot. The reason for crying was because of all the power, the tension and the knot, there was no opening for the smooth flow of emotions. I accepted the way I am and in the acceptance, the knot started opening, and tears found the way out. There was no power anymore. The emotions started flowing. All the barriers and blocks were removed. I wanted to improve, I wanted to become better, I wanted to become powerful. I wanted to acquire the power to decide for myself and not decide in terms of effects of my decision. Every decision has its effects. I decided to free myself of the burden of maintaining the balance single handedly. I freed myself and unbalanced everything, it still is.

The very idea that I was responsible for whatever was happening around me created tension, anxiety, anguish. If I’d tried to maintain the balance, I’d feel more tense, if I’d unbalanced things, I’d feel guilty. It was trouble both ways. In the middle of all this confusion, I decided to sit back and relax. I relaxed and decided to change things around me. I limited myself. I spoke to those who wanted to speak to me. I met those who wanted to meet me. I laughed with those who wanted to laugh with me rather than laugh on me. In a sense, I stopped taking unnecessary initiatives. Due to this, things started to change around me. Things started happening on their own accord. I followed the natural course of things and began to trust that if so much has changed, much more can change.

Suddenly, the feeling of guilt hit me. I had completely surrendered myself to the relaxation and wasn’t doing anything at all to improve my relationship with certain people and my surrendering created more distance among us. I felt guilty that I don’t care anymore, I don’t feel as I used to, I don’t love as I used to.

Actually, my being guilty has to do with the way I am brought up. First, I was given love, secondly, I was given freedom, and it led me to create my own ideologies because ideologies were something which were never given to me as a child. I could not think like normal people in the society do. I thought differently, so I behaved differently. I wasn’t forced to follow any ideas, I was told to choose on my own. I chose not to be religious and my parents had no problems with it. I chose to drop my college and my parents, again, did not tell me that why it was important to finish college. I started working when I was 16 years old and my parents congratulated me. I was free, always, since my childhood. I did whatever I wanted and I never felt guilty about anything.

As I grew up, I began to take things seriously, everyone does. I began to act responsibly, everyone does. I began to care for those who did not matter to me, everyone does. I started listening to others advices, everyone does. I thought I can be nice too, everyone does. I began planning my future, everyone does. I made some rules for myself and started following them strictly, everyone does. I started to behave as if I was very concerned, everyone does. I started repenting my decision of dropping college, everyone who drops college, does. I tried to act like others wanted me to act, everyone does. After a while, I started feeling suffocated, everyone does. I resigned from a well paying job, everyone does not. I started exploring myself, everyone does not. I stopped following the routine, everyone does not. I started taking awkward decisions and stood by them, everyone does not. I decided to follow my dreams, everyone does not. I decided that no matter what happens, I would sacrifice everything for achieving my dreams, everyone does not. I stopped living a life that was a lie, everyone does not. I started living the way I am, the way I always wanted to live, everyone does not.

Today, I am much different from what I was exactly an year ago, or say what I was a mere six months ago. I am following my dream and the dream appears to become reality with everyday that passes. I now understand that all power lies in the decision. My dream could only start traveling towards me when I would have decided to travel towards it. I am walking towards my dream, I am being accused as selfish, emotionless, self centered person and to tell you the truth, that is just the way I am.

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